I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
#polloftheday
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream