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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The sacred texts.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.