I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
welcome back
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Not even remotely sorry.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
This made me chuckle.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.