I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!