I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”