I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.