I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Accurate
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD