I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Sex so good you see dead people.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class