(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Worth a try
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.