@avaricious1: I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
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@myonlymizztake: I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
@KeetPotato: honey, i think the milk's gone bad "i only bought it yesterday" yeah well, look at this.. *milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*