I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”