I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.