@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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@Jesssicle: *brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* "Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."
@joeljeffrey: I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain? Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
@garrettbarry70: Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.