@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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@shariv67: We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon. Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@patnspankme: This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer