@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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@daemonic3: [divorce court] ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.
@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha