@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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@Ant_F3ltz: Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.
@ClaytonSykes: After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, "you'll need your receipt." I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life...
@MyPolishFace: Me: We should go to the gym more often. Him: I hate it there. It's like a meat market. And I'm the expired meat.
@mostunladylike: *holds pen ready* "How many zeros in one million?" "Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*