I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Morning my dudes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*