*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB