I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
…..pretty much.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.