I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.