@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
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@Token_Geezer: Job interview: - Good morning - Good morning - Have you got a twitter account? - Yes - Ok, thanks for your time. We'll get back to you
@iwearaonesie: *comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
@djdarrellripley: Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college.. Her: Yes I did. Me: No you didn't. Her: Yes I did. Me: Oh you're good!
@thatdutchperson: [date with girl I met at the park] Waiter: is everything ok, sir? Me:*fighting back the tears* Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.