@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
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@caribbeanaj: Son: "Mom, Dad we need to talk.... I'm a vegan" **Mom cries running out the room Dad: Why can't you just have a normal eating disorder?
@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
@SufficientCharm: My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
@Brampersandon_: [White House] Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS? *Biden excitedly raises hand* Besides assembling the Avengers. *Biden dejectedly lowers hand*