Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows