Same pineapple, same
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.