court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.