I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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I thought this was funny lol
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.