[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
A dad and his duck
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.