I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You Might Also Like
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m sorry…what?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no