Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]