@joeljeffrey: I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@SadieSkyNinja: Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"