I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?