I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
This kid will have a bright future.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.