I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
A completely valid reaction tbh
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.