I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
one of
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.