I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman