@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
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@gidget_76: My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we're hungry and both put our ass in the air when it's being rubbed.
@rotten_mamma: 3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
@trevso_electric: Women! Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
@bingowings14: My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.