@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
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@bea_ker: Donald Trump's campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
@KayRants: Ignoring your text is easy. It's having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I'm not home when you drive by that's awkward.
@dance_blessed: Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
@NYC_Blonde: Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own.