Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I have questions??
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.