I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.