I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
whatcha thinkin bout
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
How it started: How it’s going:
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.