Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Look at this
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
synchronized noseblowing
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.