pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I need a headline like this
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.