@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.
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@clindsaysway: I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth
@slackerjorge: In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She's buying tequila and a quart of motor oil. Sure like to know that story
@rudy_mustang: STEM major: what are you learning in school Kindergartener: shapes and colors STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that