“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
You Might Also Like
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.