I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You can’t rush stupid.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it