I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.