I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
i love modern commerce
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun