I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The prophecy is fulfilled
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Sunday