I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”