I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”