Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.