I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You Might Also Like
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??