Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.