[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’m already scared
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names