@bbseaside: I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it.
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@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date] HER: I really want to have children. ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.
@Boo_berries_: Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
@Jenny4ashley: I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn't even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
@botandy: when I see a Facebook relationship status 'it's complicated' I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology