My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Any refunds available?…
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
#ProTip
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
A friend sent me this.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.