My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
You Might Also Like
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
felt that
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.