@zachv86: i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, "who is he talking to?" then i thought "who am I talking to?"
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@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle] ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
@Chumpstring: FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me? ME: no FRIEND: they'd stop making fun of my ponytail ME: they'd pretty much have to