Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I hate everything
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
be careful
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different