I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped