I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road